


My Heart Still Beats, It Will Not Stop

by PoliticalBloodTea



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mistrust, Post 2x20, relationships take effort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 16:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11809647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoliticalBloodTea/pseuds/PoliticalBloodTea
Summary: Alec and Magnus figure out what it means to trust each other again.





	My Heart Still Beats, It Will Not Stop

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by nearly the entirety of the Viktoria album from Maria Mena, encouraged by [beatperfume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatperfume/pseuds/beatperfume)

Alec wasn’t used to feeling nervous around Magnus anymore. In the beginning all Magnus had done was make Alec feel nervous, teasing out all the feelings Alec didn’t want to feel, but after all of that turmoil Magnus had become his safe space. He wasn’t afraid of being awkward or inexperienced with Magnus because he trusted Magnus to never judge him or make him feel bad about it. Magnus’ love and attention let Alec bloom into someone he never thought he could be; someone who didn’t snap at everyone, someone who wasn’t angry all the time, someone confident enough to run an entire Institute even while everyone waited for him to fail.

Even after Alec’s endless list of screw ups since Azazel, Magnus had met him with an endless well of forgiveness. He couldn’t even say he trusted Jace as much as he trusted Magnus. The only person he could compare to was Izzy. He was comfortable putting that much faith in the man he loved.

Given that, he knew he had handled the Soul Sword situation poorly, but he hadn’t expected Magnus’ reaction. Everything about their past told Alec they would make it through, just like they had handled everything else. Instead, Magnus had destroyed the floor under Alec’s feet, leaving him reeling and unsure of anything. It was one thing to ask for a break, Alec could almost understand that. He could even understand Magnus siding with the Seelie Queen if he divorced his feelings from the situation and thought only as a leader. He knew he might make a similar decision if he thought it would save the Shadowhunters, his family. What Alec couldn’t understand was Magnus’ coldness.

He didn’t know how Magnus could claim to love him, even as he was breaking up with him, and then treat Alec like he was slime under his shoe. Alec had defensively built walls as thick as he could make them against Magnus, but behind them he was in agony. Magnus’ contempt couldn’t have just sprung up fully formed, it had to have been brewing for some time. He found himself going over every touch and every “I love you” trying to see if he could sense the growing anger Magnus must have been harboring. The self-doubt almost hurt worse than Magnus’ behavior.

Now, they were back together and Alec was nervous around Magnus. He couldn’t help but think he was only one misstep away from Magnus leaving him out in the cold again. It set his teeth on edge. No one had ever prepared him for the way two people were supposed to just put all the hurts they caused each other behind them and move forward in a relationship they’d decided to salvage. No one told him how he was supposed to lay next to Magnus in Magnus’ bed, in Magnus’ loft, not quite yet home again, and not remember the way Magnus had pretended like Alec wasn’t standing right in front of him when he came to ask for help. No one told him how to deal with the bitterness at the back of his tongue when he thought about Magnus choosing the Downworld over him. That thought wasn’t fair, he knew it, but he couldn’t control what he thought, he never could.

He found himself at turns overly solicitous and overly defensive and insecure. During their first few weeks back together he made every effort to make it back to Magnus’ loft for dinner, ignoring the frustration he felt when the shortened hours meant the pile of paperwork on his desk grew deeper and seemed never ending. When he finally gave in and told Magnus he would be late that night because he needed to catch up on paperwork the frown on Magnus’ face made Alec’s jaw clench, but he said nothing. Anything he said could be ammunition Magnus could use against him.

Magnus was different around him, too. He could sense the wall that Magnus had put up around himself, the one Alec had been slowly tearing down before it all went to hell. Magnus was just a little too bright and flippant with Alec, presenting a surface as smooth as a glassy pond. Alec knew there was an entire complicated, beautiful, vibrant man under the veneer, but Alec couldn’t quite touch him again. They were both trying not to rock the boat. They hadn’t really talked since the alley behind the Hunter’s Moon.

It wasn’t all bad, Alec would have exploded if it had been. He had been telling the truth when he told Magnus that he couldn’t live without him, it was just a fact. Alec was a Shadowhunter, he was gay, and he needed Magnus to breathe. The times they were effortless around each other were just as good as they had always been. Wrapped around Magnus on lazy Saturday mornings, nose buried in Magnus’ soft, unstyled hair, Alec felt like he’d been blessed by the Angel himself. He wanted to grab onto their relationship with both hands, but he was afraid he might squeeze too tight. He could sense a break coming.

 

Alec woke up with his Parabatai rune aching, an oily film covering his connection to Jace and coating the back of his tongue with sticky saliva. It had felt like that on and off since it had faded and come back, although Jace swore nothing was wrong and that he didn’t know what Alec was talking about. The feeling provoked a headache that only grew during the day. Not even the scalp massage Magnus had given him before he headed to the Institute had done much to assuage it. He barely paid any attention to what came across his desk, didn’t give it a second thought when he authorized a raid on a suspected Warlock drug trafficking ring.

When he got home to the loft that evening he wanted nothing more than to change into more comfortable clothes and see if he could coax another massage out of Magnus. Instead, he found Magnus sitting on the couch, half-finished drink sitting forgotten in his hand as he stared at the wall, even though he must have heard Alec come in. Alec left his coat near the door and took hesitant steps toward Magnus, everything in him sensing danger. He stopped just out of Magnus’ reach. “Magnus?” he asked cautiously.

Magnus blinked as if shaking off a daydream and looked up at Alec, flashing him a quick, thin smile. “Rough day at work honey?”

Alec’s heart seized momentarily at the sarcasm in Magnus’ tone. He pulled his hands behind his back and straightened his spine, not sure what he should be bracing against but prepared nonetheless. “All the paperwork didn’t help my headache, but nothing else exciting. Why?”

Magnus shrugged elegantly. “No reason. Other than that little raid you organized today.” And there was the cliff Alec had sensed them drawing ever closer to.

His immediate instinct was to snap and tell Magnus that he didn’t need to keep him informed of every movement the Shadowhunters made, but he swallowed it down. “I didn’t think I needed to bother you with that, we handled it pretty easily.”

“Oh really?” Magnus set down his drink and stood up smoothly, Alec took a step back. Magnus ignored the movement and kept talking, pacing and gesturing expansively. “You didn’t think that the High Warlock needed to be informed about a raid on his own people?” He stopped in front of Alec and raised an eyebrow, eyes cool.

Alec clenched his jaw and looked away. “It was a routine and clear-cut mission. They broke the Law. If I told you about every time a Downworlder violated the Accords we’d never talk about anything else.”

Magnus refused to budge. “Maybe that should tell you something about the Accords being too restrictive.” Alec opened his mouth to argue just for the sake of arguing, not actually because he wanted to defend the Accords, but Magnus cut him off. “I thought you had learned your lesson about keeping secrets from me.”

Alec felt like he’d been slapped. All the dark things he had been feeling came roaring up inside him. “My _lesson_? I’m not a child, Magnus. The mission today had nothing to do with you, there was no need to ‘inform’ you about it. Not every part of my job is your business.” He wanted to claw the words out of the air as soon as he said them, heart kicking into overdrive as cold fear washed through him. This, right here, was what was going to flip the switch in Magnus again, the switch that let him treat Alec like they didn’t mean everything to each other.

Magnus’ eyes flashed. “I think-,”

Alec cut him off, panicked. “Please don’t leave me again,” he blurted.

Magnus looked stunned. “Alexander-,”

“Please,” Alec said again, desperately. “This isn’t like the Soul Sword, I barely even thought about it when I signed those orders. I truly didn’t think it was anything you would care about. I’m really trying, okay? Please don’t shut me out again.” He knew he was breathing too fast, and he could feel his nails cutting into his palms where his fists were clenched, but he couldn’t make himself relax as Magnus let the silence draw out.

“Alexander,” Magnus repeated finally, tone soft. He reached for Alec’s clenched fists and held them in his own hands while stroking his thumbs across the back of Alec’s hands. Alec felt his shoulders relax involuntarily. Magnus took a step backwards toward the couch and tugged on Alec’s hands, encouraging him to follow. “Please sit,” Magnus said, and Alec could see the beginning of tears in his eyes. Alec swallowed and forced himself to move with Magnus. He sat stiffly on the couch and looked straight forward, Magnus sat next to him and angled his body towards Alec. Gentle fingertips on his jaw urged him to face Magnus, and what he saw took his breath away. Magnus’ expression was broken open and raw.

“I’m not going to leave you again.” He stroked the side of Alec’s face. “And I’m sorry you thought that I might. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry. I know you were just doing your job.”

“Magnus,” Alec said, his voice barely a croak. He didn’t know what he wanted to say, too many words crowded his bran all at once, so he fell into silence again.

Magnus’ eyes searched his face and he let his hand fall away from Alec’s face. Alec wanted to grab it and put it back. “I’m sorry Alexander, I didn’t realize how much I hurt you. I should have, but I didn’t. I guess I didn’t think I could.”

That shocked Alec enough to find words. “Of course you could, Magnus. I love you. Every time you looked at me like I meant nothing to you it felt…” Alec closed his eyes, remembering the pain he had had to shove down just to keep going every day. “I couldn’t stand it if you looked at me like that again.”

Magnus sighed and slumped against the arm of the couch. He looked tired. “I guess we should have talked before now. I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt my feelings for you.”

“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lied about the Sword.”

“Alexander,” Magnus chided, “we’ve been over that. It’s in the past. But there is no excuse for the way I treated you. I promise there was never a moment while we were separated that I didn’t love you. I shut down because it was what I needed to do to keep going, and that was unfair to you.” He paused and looked away from Alec, Alec watched him take a deep, shuddering breath. He looked back up and there was a fierceness in his eyes behind the tears. “I swear to never do that again. Can you trust that?”

Alec opened his mouth to immediately assure Magnus that yes, of course he could trust that. Instead, he took a moment to search inside himself for the feeling of walking on a tight rope he’d been living with since they reunited. It was still there, but fading, like the most dangerous stretch was behind him and he was only a few steps from the platform and safety. He knew that in the very near future he would be able to trust the ground he stood on with Magnus again. He was the one who reached for Magnus’ hands this time. “Yes, I can trust you.” Alec said. The smiles they gave each other were watery and tremulous, but their grip on each other’s hands was sure.


End file.
